The Psalmist uses a number of words to express his deepest thoughts, but one of my favorites is soul.
For some reason, when this word is used (instead of heart, spirit, mind, etc.), he has my attention.
And this morning, as I was processing through Psalm 42, I imagined the cry of his heart to sound something like my own:
My soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for the One who, I know, is still alive in me.
People see my grief and they ask, "Where is your God?" They think a woman of faith should look different; a little heroic.
So I take my pain and my questions to my only hope, and I pour out my soul (because their words of doubt about a good God keep replaying over and over in my head).
The ones who question remember when I led them to the house of praise. They remember following my faith-walk. They once learned from my joy and my thanksgiving, and now, my faith is falling behind the others.
My soul sits in despair, and that's such a failing place to be.
Everything within me is unsettled (and everyone sees it).
I know what to say to my soul: "Hope in God!".
And my heart knows that I will praise Him again.
I know that His felt-presence will once again be my help, because I've been in this place before.
Oh God, my soul is in despair within me! And I don't want to be this way!
I remember You from other places and other times; times when You were faithful.
'Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls'.
I hear the water pouring down into the thirsty ground, and like the land that waits in the pit below, I too wait to be filled with abundance of Your flow.
All of You breaks forth over all of me, and Your loving kindness washes through me again, and I am undone.
Your song comes back to my now wet lips, and a prayer to the God of my life finds its way out of what had been dry, empty, and cracked.
I had felt forgotten by You; abandoned.
The oppression of the enemy had taken me to a deep place of mourning and pain. The strength of You had been questioned by others because of the weakness of Your servant.
But now, I have remembered once again to hope in You.
I have remembered to praise You again, because only You can restore my countenance.
I have remembered that You are worthy of my praise, because You are my God.
I have remembered that You are my only hope.
I have remembered You.
I was thirsty, but now I am filled.
And my soul sings once again.
