What I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I want to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.
I know that nothing good dwells in me (believe me, I don't need anyone to tell me this). The willingness to live differently in this body of flesh is there, but the actual doing just isn't. The good that I want, I don't do, but I practice the very evil that I hate. And I can wholeheartedly agree with every line of truth someone reads to me from God's word, but I will still sit back and watch a very different kind of law taking over the members of my body, waging war with my thoughts, and making me a prisoner.
I feel so wretched.
I'm begging to be set free from this body of death!
You speak of no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and I know you are speaking again to me.
Christ has set my weakened flesh free, because He's the only one who can.
Why can't I make my mind believe this?
Why can't I set my mind to embrace this?
I want the life of peace that you speak of. I want a mind that pleases God. And I long for righteousness, yet I can't even begin to wrap my mind around what that could ever look like in me.
I want to be a part of the putting to death, and the being led away from what I've practiced for so long.
I don't want to be a slave anymore.
I know that I am His child. I understand that I am His heir, and that blows me away. Really.
But why did the Author of my story then have to lay the word "suffering" alongside the claiming of my inheritance?
Everything else up to this point was doable; ready to be embraced. But now, suffering? I have to suffer in order to be glorified with Him?
And let's talk about this suffering. Because, quite honestly, my suffering looks different from others I know.
There are people suffering from cancer, and losing their hair for others to witness that agony that goes on inside of their mind and flesh.
But no one else really sees my suffering. Why must I wear mine on the inside, hidden from others compassionate eyes? No one understands, because no one can even see it.
I know that You see it, Lord, but sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough. I want another kind of validation. And while it may be wrong to want this, the wanting is still there.
I groan within, longing to be free, and Your word says HOPE and PERSEVERE.
Only hope.
O Spirit, help me, for I am weak.
Pray for me. Intercede for me with those groaning's that I cannot put into words.
You search the Father's heart, and You know His will. Please pray for me according to this. Please don't leave me to my own doing!
I know that all of God's work is always good.
I know that He is able to conform me to an image that looks nothing like the one I'm wearing right now.
I know that He is for me, and that He can and will freely give me all things.
If nothing can really separate me from His love today, then please whisper that promise in my ear over and over again. Please let me hear what my heart fights so hard to believe!
I need to overwhelmingly conquer today; not just a little bit of victory scattered here and there.
And quite honestly, I need to be convinced of all of these promises I've read over for all of my life.
My mind says they are true, but my heart just can't seem to get beyond the knowing in the deepest parts of me.
Set me free, O love of God, with a love that knows no boundary.
Please, set me free.
(Romans 7-8)
